Campus politico admits to an entire life of fraud
"What are you going to do about it? I own this school," screamed a drunken Jake Itzkowitz yesterday, fed up with several years of continued accusations of fraudulent activity from all corners of the globe. The arts senator and recently appointed president of the Students' Society stunned the masses with a shocking inebriated confession: He has spent the better half of his life cheating in order to reach his alpha-male status of Blackberry ownership.
SSMU prez reveals secret life, defects
At a hastily arranged press conference last week, Students' Society President Aaron Donny-Clark announced a shocking secret to the world: He is not a real student at McGill, and is actually a Russian spy. Donny-Clark-whose real name is Boris Mironov-was sent to Canada to gather intelligence for the FSB, the successor to the notorious Soviet-era KGB, but has decided to claim political asylum in Canada.
HMB 3000 malfunctions during press conference
After years of suspicion and research, the McGill administration confirmed that, as had long been suspected, infamously cold McGill Principal Heather Munroe-Blum is, in fact, a robot. This shocking revelation occurred yesterday after the fembot malfunctioned during a press interview.
J-Board rules blood drive justice through bareknuckle boxing
In an attempt to settle the blood drive issue once and for all, the Students' Society Judicial Board ruled last week that the situation had spiraled completely out of control. Rather than declare one side right or wrong based on its factums and arguments, J-Board ordered the involved parties to "settle their differences like men.
A day in the life of a campus semite
Joseph Sigalfeld grew up a Jew in Toronto and after attending Hebrew day school, found himself at McGill University in decadent Montreal. Can his Jewish heritage be reconciled with the lifestyle of the modern world? Yes. Really? Yes. Is there a worse feeling than having to get out of bed every fucking morning? Does anyone ever feel refreshed and ready to attack the world? Because I always feel like shit.
Halliburton says condos will sell like 'hot-cakes'
After a recent visit to Iraq, U.S. President George W. Bush announced that he and Mrs. Bush intend to buy a luxury condominium in the Iraq Green Zone after his term in office expires. The announcement came days after Halliburton revealed its plans to build Freedom Towers, a high-security complex that boasts lifestyle condominiums.
Body of saviour found in sesame-seed outline on Tim Horton's bagel with cream cheese
Last Friday, Mary McAbraham, U3 religious studies, was blessed with a holy bagel from the Tim Horton's in the Redpath Library. At first, it seemed to be your typical breakfast snack: whole wheat, toasted, sliced in half with a hint of butter smeared on both sides.
Stocky new PM after scandalous McKay-Harper love affair revealed
Yesterday, Interim Prime Minister Stockwell Day made his first appearance on Parliament Hill since taking over for former Conservative leader Stephen Harper. Like a conquering hero returning home, Day water-skied down the Rideau Canal to the cheers of a horde of Conservative loyalists.
Dean says 'enough of this shit,' proclaims new plan for space
After spending most of the year fielding complaints from faculty, students, alumni and staff about planned renovations to the arts faculty, Dean of Arts Christopher Manfredi announced last week that he was fed up with continued discussions and would demolish the Arts building over the summer.
Student activist group sells out to The Man
In a shocking move, the Grassroots Association for Student Power has announced that it will be converting itself to a corporate structure and listing its shares on the Toronto Stock Exchange. Although it was founded as a non-hierarchical campus activist group, it will now pursue profits while fighting for social justice.
Evidence confirms university founder's name was McGull
A McGill professor conducting research within the dark labyrinth of the Redpath Museum has made a startling discovery that could severely impact the university's image, as well as hundreds of thousands of diplomas, business cards and sweatshirts. Lars Jorgenssohn, a professor of Scottish history, came across the troubling information while researching the early life of James McGill, who left seed money for the purpose of creating a university on his estate.