A couple of weeks ago, I was reading a year-old issue of Spin with a large feature on the "100 Sleaziest Moments in Rock" (which is hilarious and highly recommended reading, by the way). But then I got to thinking: what individuals are sleazier than rock stars? And the only demographic in the entire world that may meet this prerequisite is, of course, pro athletes. And out of sheer disgust endured from seeing so many "top ten World Series games" and "top ten sacks"-type articles in Sports Illustrated and whatever, I thought I'd finally be the one to do athletes justice by documenting their finest moments in the following piece. Note that I ranked them as much in terms of how funny they were as I did based on how criminal their activities were (if it was based on sheer criminality, you can bet the list would be considerably different). So without further ado, enjoy.
#10: Dave Meggett gives hookers a good name
Heh, this is a good one. Besides having four children with four different women, Meggett (that guy who followed Bill Parcells around and played on all his teams) liked to have his kicks on the side with the finest of North America's prostitutes. On one classic night, he took one to the Royal York Hotel in Toronto. After doing her, she went to take a shower, and Meggett took the opportunity to steal her money and run away. I guess when the cops caught him, he could have told them it was dirty money to begin with.
#9: Wilt Chamberlain does 'em all
We know athletes like to shag groupies in their spare time, but Wilt Chamberlain took it to a whole new level. In his 1991 book A View from Above, Chamberlain claimed to have had sex with over 20,000 women over the course of his National Basketball Association career, which works out to about 3.91 women per day. Nice, and without Viagra even. He then goes on to insult today's NBA, saying it was so much better in his day. Well, if he's referring to STD transmission I'm sure he's right.
#8: Michael Irvin lives up to his name
Always a classic. A few years ago, Irvin got caught with some hookers and coke, nothing new for him. When going to court to defend himself, however, he set a new standard in depravity, arriving dressed in a lime green leisure suit, complete with cane and top hat, living up his pimp image as much as possible. And he wonders why Philadelphia fans cheered madly when he sustained a career-ending injury in their park.
#7: Latrell Sprewell assaults coach, human decency.
This one was unforgivable. Latrell Sprewell shared a habit possessed by many NBA stars — he hated his coach. It seems that he might have taken it a bit too far, however. After getting a bit too angry at Golden State Warriors' coach PJ Carlesimo during a practice in '97, Sprewell attempted to choke Carlesimo on the court, before the other players broke it up. Spree hadn't had quite enough, however, and thus visited Carlesimo's office after practice and attacked him again. You know, Latrell, asking for a trade is more traditional…
#6: Tonya Harding's hired goons
This one needs no introduction. Leading up to the 1994 Olympics in Lillehammer, Harding and Nancy Kerrigan were vying for the gold medal, and Harding decided to enlist the assistance of some hired goons, one of whom was her ex-husband. They attacked Kerrigan, clubbing her in the knee during the Olympic trials and setting up a media field day. It didn't end up helping much though, as Kerrigan won the silver medal and Harding finished a paltry eighth. Both disappeared off the radar soon after, with Harding popping up in an online sex tape a few years later, and as a Weakest Link contestant a few weeks ago. Good for her.
#5: Land of the Rising Venis
I know Pro Wrestling isn't sports exactly, but this deserves mentioning. In April 1998, wrestling porno star Val Venis made his first appearance in the WWF, and immediately took a liking to the wife of manager Mr. Yamaguchi. In fact, he liked her so much that he shot a porno movie with her, appropriately titled Land of the Rising Venis. Mr. Yamaguchi was none too pleased, and thus reverted to evil World War II-era Japanese man mode, yelling 'I choppy choppy your pee-pee, HAH-HAH-HAH." He attempted the surgery himself, but John Bobbit of all people came through the crowd to rescue Val. And yes, this aired on prime time cable television.
#4: The Gold Club: where strippers pay to work
This year's Gold Club trial made huge news worldwide, and for good reason: the Gold Club is a strip joint in Atlanta where strippers were paid for having sex with pro athletes, who visited it regularly. Profits from the Club were then transferred over to the Gambino Crime family. The dirty tales all came out in court, however, where numerous athletes told their tales of the club. The highlight had to be when Braves outfielder Andruw Jones testified about how two of the strippers visited his room. When asked what they were doing there, Jones explained that they were, in his words, "doing lesbian action." When asked what he did, he looked insulted that the lawyer even asked, saying "both of them." Other patrons included Dennis Rodman, Patrick Ewing, Terrell Davis, and (surprise surprise) the New York Knicks' entire roster.
#3: CJ Hunter loves his vitamin supplements
There are enough classic steroid stories out there to fill a top 10,000 list, but this one takes the cake. Olympic shot-put gold medallist CJ Hunter (ex-husband of famed American sprinter Marion Jones) was busted shortly after winning at the 2000 Sydney Olympics. He evidently had 1,000 times the maximum amount of legal nandrolone in his system. Claiming innocence, he tried to say that this was due to some "vitamin supplements" he had been taking. Uh, right. Then, in the greatest admission of guilt I've ever seen, he hired JOHNNIE COCHRAN of all people as his lawyer. Which, of course, leads us to….
#2: OJ Kills Wife and Lover; Kato appears on Weakest Link
The greatest media event of all-time bar none, making legends out of Larry King, Judge Ito, Kato Kaelin and Johnnie Cochran, spawning a horrible Pauly Shore movie (Jury Duty), and forever showing that there's quite a disparity in the American legal system between "innocent" and "not guilty"—several million dollars worth, in fact. It brought unbelievable amounts of shame to the legal system and everyone involved, and has to be seen as the defining cultural event of our generation. On the plus side, it put an end to the Naked Gun franchise.
And, finally…
#1: Mike Tyson bites off opponent's ear
I guess this one will never be topped. After returning from a long suspension, Mike Tyson was far from the fighter he had once been. But he still had major name recognition, and thus promoter Don King tried to book him in as many big title fights as possible. This led to his most infamous moment. He was booked into the WBA title match against Evander Holyfield, who was at that point quite clearly his superior. In an attempt to compensate for this, Tyson tried to bite Holyfield on the ear repeatedly, even after receiving a warning. Finally, he physically bit off Holyfield's ear, spitting out the blood with a wide grin on his face in front of a shocked Holyfield and sheer pandemonium at the arena. If you ever needed proof that man descended from the apes, there you go.
Whew, that does it. Hope you all enjoyed the list. Send feedback and other classic moments that I might have missed to pkoven@po-box.mcgill.ca and maybe I'll do a revised list later this semester.
