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X VS. Y: James Tiberius Kirk v. Jean-Luc Picard

Genuine hair loss v. hidden hair loss

Issue date: 1/15/08 Section: features

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Ride: USS Enterprise NCC-1701 and 1701-A

Entourage: A hard-drinking Southern doctor named Bones, the ever-stoic Vulcan Mr. Spock and the rest of his politically correct Planeteers (Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu).

Beefs with: Ricardo Montalban's Corinthian-leather clad ubermensch, Khan Noonien Singh, the Klingon Empre and those troubling Tribbles.

Main Squeeze: Though Kirk had more one-time lady friends than Jerry on Seinfeld, he managed to tie himself down to Carol Marcus long enough to impregnate her. Also landed the first interracial kiss on TV with his communications officer, Uhura.

Catchphrase: "KHAAAAAAAAN!!!!"

Best Moment: Managed to slingshot a Klingon warbird around the Sun, go back in time to save two humpback whales and as a result, prevent Earth's atmosphere from being ionized. Picked up the mom from 7th Heaven along the way.

Picard

Ride: USS Enterprise NCC-1701-D, and 1701-E

Entourage: A womanizing first officer, an android, Starfleet's first Klingon, a useless half-Betazoid empath, that guy from Roots.

Beefs with: The hive-minded Borg collective, the often playfully omnipotent superbeing Q and, for a few episodes, those whacky Ferengi.

Main Squeeze: Despite a few holiday dalliances with women, the Captain has pursued a longstanding flirtation turned marriage with the ship's crimson vixen, Dr. Beverly "The Crush" Crusher.

Catchphrase: "Make it so.", "Engage.", "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot."

Best Moment: In the series finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Picard becomes unstuck in time and has to move through three timelines to stop himself from negating the existence of humanity. He succeeds, despite his crew thinking the old man has gone off his space-rocker due to a touch of ol' Irumodic Syndrome.

The Winner: Picard
Sure, he's not as dashing and barrel-chested as his twenty-third precursor, but as a well-read space age Renaissance man who's great in a tight spot, Picard edges out Kirk. Plus he invented the "Picard Maneuver," hence required reading for all Starfleet cadets.

-Complied by John Semley and Byron Tau
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