I really didn't want to write this column. It's bitter, pathetic, melodramatic, and self-indulgent. It also makes my life seem like a bad emo song. But I've written this column a thousand times in my head, and I have nobody left to impress by not sharing my thoughts. This Thursday, I'll turn 23. I'll celebrate my birthday by toasting the conclusion of my fifth and final year as a McGill undergraduate. I'll also celebrate my 23rd year of being alone.
That's not entirely fair, because I'm not entirely alone. I have many close friends and family members who have been there for me throughout my life, and I'm more grateful for them than I am for anything else that I have. But there's a difference between being loved and having a lover, and living 23 years without intimacy has given me a rather detached perspective on romance.
There's a contradiction between the ideology of equal rights and the process of human courtship. Having sex is fundamentally intrusive: it collapses the physical and psychological space between two people. There's a fine line between an invitation and an invasion, which makes it easy (and dangerous) to misread romantic cues. Making a move without an invitation is a violation of personal freedom. In the best cases, it leads to awkwardness and hurt feelings. In more severe cases, it's rightfully called sexual harassment.
I have a tendency to envision worst-case romantic scenarios, so I've never felt comfortable being an invader. Ironically, the willingness to violate personal boundaries is a prerequisite for intimacy. You have to get noticed before you can get laid. The men who get noticed are the ones who are self-confident (or self-absorbed) enough to insert themselves into social situations and impose themselves as lovers. That's why women will look for Mr. Right but go home with some asshole. Most people are familiar with the slogan "no means no." I seem to be the only person foolish enough to listen. It'd be more accurate to say "no means try harder."
Viewing Comments 1 - 7 of 7
Francois
posted 4/07/09 @ 10:40 AM EST
I would add the following simple comment:
Nice3 guy don't finish last. They just don't live a thousand broken relations before they finally find the right one. (Continued…)
Sandra
posted 4/07/09 @ 6:35 PM EST
I'm worried... this guy sounds suicidal
bob
posted 4/07/09 @ 9:33 PM EST
WELL, If he really wants a relationship, he needs to go out there and MEET people. No one is going to go running to him if he ain't trying.
Someone
posted 4/09/09 @ 12:38 PM EST
You're a nice guy and you're not finishing last... sex is hardly the pinnacle of life and I think you know that. Sex is not all fun and games you know, most people should think twice before having it, and how many of us find true intimacy in every single relationship? I think that there are at best two or three people in you lifetime towards whom you can truly be affectionate or intimate with and 23 is hardly over the hill! No does mean no and trust me, having been disrespected and molested by more men than you can count on your fingers means that you appreciate those that show you respect, and I in turn respect someone like you. (Continued…)
Mary
posted 4/11/09 @ 9:58 PM EST
It's easy for nice guys to think that they finish last, but I agree with Francois and Someone. I had a friend from high school who found himself in a situation like yours - he had a ton of friends who were girls and everyone was always talking about how he was such a nice guy and how he would make a wonderful boyfriend, but every girl that he liked rejected him. (Continued…)
anonymous
posted 4/12/09 @ 1:55 PM EST
Hang in there! You'll find that things turn around for you. Based on your writing, you seem sensitive and intelligent, and based on your photo, you're a good-looking guy. (Continued…)
Abraham Lincoln
posted 9/13/09 @ 2:38 AM EST
Fourscore and ten years ago, I wasn't getting laid. But I persevered and now I get laid all the time.
Also, one word: prostitutes.
Oh yeah, and re-read Catcher in the Rye but pay attention this time. (Continued…)
Post a Comment